Frodo's Belinda
by The Second Geek
Summary: frodo has a journal, if you read it i will give you a cookie, if you review i will give you the whole dmn factory!
1. Day One

Day 1  
  
Hello! My name is Frodo Baggins! And my uncle just gave me to you (my diary) I think I will call you uh, Belinda! Ok so Belinda this is what happened to me today!   
  
I woke up like normal in the middle of a bed. I decided that since Bilbo was being a butt and working on his book that I would go and see if Gandalf was coming today. So I waited under a tree for him. After about six hours I just about gave up on him when I heard someone singing, " oh I wish I were and Oscar Meyer weeeenerrrrrr!"  
I ran down and saw Gandalf coming on his horse drawn go-kart. " Hey! You are late! I've only been here like 6 hours!" I whined. " Chill out, I can never be late dude," snuffs his doobie " I am like a wizard!" he replied.   
  
So I jumped on the cart and he wrapped his arms around me like we are gay with each other (probable result of doobieness). he rode me for about three minutes then pushed me off the cart, stupid ho. I guess he forgot today was my birthday; well I guess that's better than birthday spankings.   
  
So I ran back to bilbos and sat in my room staring at the wall for three hours until his party. It should have been my party though.   
  
So I went to the party only because I caught wind that Assa was going to be there. And she is like the Doobie Queen of the shire. (A/N I am Assa it is like a nickname for me tee hee). I drank some and did my famous chicken dance and sat down. I saw Sam staring at me and suggested he do something normal like dance with Rosie. " But I just want another ale and to sit here with you Mr. Frodo." He said with a smile. I drank some more  
And decided that was a bit much and went to listen to a story. Then drank some more but   
I think merry got into Gandalf's big doobie stash because they kept screaming about a dragon after coming out of a smoke filled tent. So I went and drank some more, by then I was pretty wasted and I wasn't seeing strait, so Sam was kind enough to lead me home holding my hand. He is such a good friend,   
  
But then Gandalf snuck up behind me and scared the shit outta me, I asked him if he knew where Bilbo was on account of I couldn't find him after his nifty speech. Gandalf told me to shut up and listen. " Can you hear that? I- I think there is a slipper listening, a pink one," sniffs air " fluffy" " uh Gandalf? Have you been into the gaffers home brew again?" I asked him. " Yes now listen, there is a ring for you, it's really cool, hang on to it, but hide it, so the slippers don't get it. Those sneaking little bastards. Now I must leave you because you smell, and I got to get more stuff from Assa!" he said. And with a flourish he was gone. So I went and hid the ring in my boxer drawer. And then about 20 minutes later Gandalf came back and told me how like the ring was evil and junk, I think he was high again. But then he sent me on a quest I guess to bree. Then Sam was found out side doing something to a pair of my boxers and Gandalf made him go with me. I was ecstatic! Finally I have someone to go with. I thought, so right now I am s'posed to be asleep but I can't so I am writing but alas writing has made me sleepy, or maybe it was the weed? I don't know but good night Belinda.   
  
Love   
Frodo~!  



	2. Day Two

Tee hee I hope you all like this and don't think it is really unoriginal, because the plot really isn't but I am hoping that my own little flare to it will spice it up a little.

You know how it is.

Day 2

Dear Belinda, 

Today was very eventful. Sam and me camped for the night and then set off again. I saw some elves! It was really interesting; some of them kept looking into pretty looking glasses and flipping their hair. Sam had always wanted to see an elf before, and he was rather transfixed but he said my hair was prettier. Even though I had just pulled a spider out of it. 

We walked into the cornfield and I realized that my weed stash was diminishing; I knew I should have given Assa one more go. Sam freaked out when I went to go look for some more under the potato patch where farmer Maggot usually hides his best stuff, and then we ran into merry and pippin. They had their own stash of the good stuff, plus some chow. So Sam and me chased them but stupid pippin hid behind a tree and stuck his foot out and tripped me. And down the hill I went, Sam came screaming after me yelling " I'll save you Mr. Frodo!" Even after we stopped rolling, he was still holding on, he is a really good friend. 

So it ended up that Merry and Pip shared their weed with us, and since they had more than we did we let them come along. I heard something and we all dived behind a bush. "what is that smell?" Pip asked. "smells like the Gaffer" Sam replied. It ended up that it was a really creepy guy dressed like a death man. I didn't like him and told Sam to shut up when he wanted to share his magic mushrooms with him. 

So we went to bree. It took Sam 20 minutes to stop talking with the gatekeeper. They looked like they were having a nice time though. So we got into this nice looking Pub called " The Ladies Man's Pony" so we went in and had a drink. Sam got all hot and bothered though when this other guy started staring at me. I thought he could loose the beard though. He grabbed me and took me up to a room when I accidentally put the ring on and became really fuzzy. I saw like this hand ( A/N as apposed to the eye of sauron duh) and it flipped me off.  So the dude took me into the room and tried to tell me about like a ring I think he was talking about the fuzzy ring. But anyway, Sam came in totally pissed and tried to attack the dude ( now known as strider) with a fork but didn't succeed. 

So that is how I ended up in this bed with the other four hobbits, Sam kept telling me I needed to change and to let him do it. I am starting to think that he is becoming a little too friendly. But then the death dude came back with his friends, Sam wanted to give them mushrooms, but strider shoved a sock in his mouth and told him to shut up. 

The scary things left and everyone fell asleep, well except me. I better try and sleep though . Sam keeps moaning my name and it just isn't right. 

Good night

Frodo.


	3. Day Three

Tee hee

By the way I haven't really been doing the disclaimers lately and just so you know this is the only one I will do.

DISCLAIMER: if you are stupid enough to think that the characters and such belong to me then please bang your head right here               

Otherwise read on!

Day three

Dear my lovely Belinda,

I woke up with pippin's hand in my mouth. " Who's your daddy?" I heard Sam mumble. I immediately jumped up and got dressed, wondering why my whole stash of weed was gone. I decided that since the whole day was to be walking that I would wear my new hat that Gandalf just bought me. (A/N think of a pimp hat)

We started to walk but Sam kept complaining that he was tired and hungry and that he didn't like Strider. Merry thought that he was only here to ambush his "secret" weed that everyone knew about. I do miss assa, I wonder how the "Doobie Queen" is doing without me. I was her main buyer, next to Gandalf of course. Strider turned around when Merry whined that he was hungry and started yelling. " WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO CLIMB A TREE YOU LITTLE HALF ASSED BASTARD?"

I kind of got the feeling that Strider didn't like us.

 " IF YOU ARE SO HUNGRY THEN HERE-" chucks an apple at merry "EAT THIS!" merry falls down out cold. " now look what you have done! Some one has to carry him!" everyone looked around and started whistling as a pink bunny tried to carry Merry away.  

Since no one else was doing it I kicked the little furball and started to drag merry. " no! mr.! Frodo! I will carry him! We don't want you to hurt that pretty little back of yours" Sam cried.  I am really starting to be concerned about Sam's concern for my well being. All of this friendliness is making me remember Gandalf and him regaling his nights spent at a certain inn, where lonely men gathered. 

             We got to this place I guess strider called weathertop. I  think he should have called it Bad weathertop, because it was cloudy and cold and scary, and very windy. I am sad to say I lost my favorite hat. Merry woke up when we threw him on a rock.

" WE WILL REST HERE! " Yelled strider. " I AM GOING TO LOOK AROUND!" and then he scampered off. I guess I fell asleep because a little while later I woke up and saw the other hobbits. " what are you doing?" I cried " smokin  what are you doin?" merry replied. " mer, why is that bottle of milk talking to us?" pippin said. I guess he was a little out of it. I smushed their doobies, and told them to shut up. " I can hear something" Sam farted and the other hobbits giggled. " WHAT THE FUCK? I SAID SHUT UP!" I heard a really scary noise and we all ran to the top of weathertop. The scary death men came up and tried to attack us but Sam wouldn't let the first one get past. However when the second one came and threw him aside I couldn't help but laugh. But when the death guy came after me I threw up my hands and screamed. I accidently put on the ring and saw the death things like all de-robed and stuff. One of the guys wasn't wearing underwear and I knew that, that would mess with me for the rest of my life. Then one of those little bastards stabbed me with a sword. It was then that strider ran in screaming " I AM A WARRRRRIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRR!" (WARRIOR) "WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"  and he kicked the dead guys asses. " WE MUST GET YOU TO SEE ELROND!" He yelled. " EVERYONE CALLS HIM EYEBROWS!" why? I asked "YOU"LL SEE!"

so here I am, laying on the ground in front of a bunch of trolls, with Sam stroking me in weird places. This isn't the greatest thing in the world, but wait. I can see a light, hold on…….


	4. Day Four

I think that you all are wondering now why Strider yells all of the time. Well I don't know I thought that this would be kind of funny, if you don't think it's funny then go eat a pink bunny. * first of the geeks throws a bottle of nair at the second geek* HEY! That wasn't funny! Die! * second geek throws a screwdriver at first of the geeks* AHAAHHAA! Anyway ON TO THE STORY!  
  
Day 4, well actually this is day 10 of our journey but day 4 for my writing.  
  
BELINDA! You will never believe what has happened to me! So it turns out that the light was this cute elf chick named Arwen. ( how that happened I do not know) but Strider was talking to her in elfish and I really couldn't understand what he was saying but I could hear it really well, " EITH NARA CALITH!" ( HEY BAYBE HOW YA DOIN?) ( A/N for all of us who can't read elfish I will put my interpretation of what aragorn said right after the lines.) I really couldn't hear what Arwen said but strider replied, " AN DELLO WEE VAIN!" ( I can take the little bugger!) again Arwen said something, and strider yelled, " FINE GO! BUT DON'T HURT YERSELF! " And then he smacks arwen's ass.  
So Arwen hoisted me up on her horse and told it to hurry it's ass up. I do know SOME elvish after all. So we rode onward and forward until we got to this river, at least that was what Arwen called it, I thought it looked more like a creek. But the death guys were right behind us and she turned around and told them to kiss her ass. One of the Death told her to bare it and they would be happy too. Well Arwen got really pissed at that and said some more elfin words and they all got squished by the waves.  
And then I passed out. I woke up earlier today to Gandalf sitting at the edge of my bed smoking a doobie the size and circumference of my foot. " yo." I said " where were you! We waited for you but like, you never came," Gandalf replied " I am was a little preoccupied at the time, sauromon wanted me to come over to his place and try a new breed of joint and he totally tricked me into smoking a sleeper. ( A/N uh any smokable drug that makes you sleep?) So I was wasted at the top of his place and then it started rainen and then he tried to get me to join his liaison of evil golden monkeys and I was all like " No way " and he was like " dude!" and I was like " no!"  
Gandalf went on for a while like this but then Sam came in and jumped on the bed. " MR. FRODO! YOU ARE ALIVE!" "yes" Gandalf said. " mr. samwise, well you have been awfully close, to frodo here ever since he came" " how close?" I asked. " well lets just say Sam is a little different then the rest of the men." Gandalf replied. " HOW CLOSE? " I yelled. " well I did give you a bath Mr. Frodo." I knew when he had said that that Sam had crossed the line of friendliness into the territory of uncomfortably close.  
  
Then this really weird guy with strange eyebrows came waltzing into my room. "HELLO!" he squealed. " I am elrond!" " OH!" I said " you are eyebrows! I see why you are called that!" " yes" he said mournfully " I have aquired my mothers side of the eyebrow area. I just came to tell you that there is a secret meeting in 10 minutes, no Sam you can't come it's secret!" Sam had looked up expectantly but was shunned down.  
  
Well that was 10 minutes ago so I better go and make an apperance at this meeting, I can't find Sam anywhere though. Not that that is a bad thing,  
  
Love always and forever Frodo. 


	5. Day aw hell i forgot!

WELL HERE I AM SINCE THERE IS NO OTHER THING TO DO IN THIS GRIMY CARDBOARD BOX I AM GOING TO UPDATE ALL OF MY STORIES, THIS MIGHT FRIGHTEN YOU AT FIRST BUT I PROMIS IT'S GONNA BE FUN. THE ONLY STORIES I WILL NOT BE UPDATING IS UH,

-BRING ME TO LIFE (JUST UPDATED) 

-PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: CURSE OF THE (SOMETHING TOO TIRED TO THINK) (HAVE TO SEE THE MOVIE AGAIN TO GET FULL DETAILS AND FULL JACK SPARROWNESS.) 

BUT ANY HO HUM HERE IS THE STORY 

IN THIS CASE IT IS:…………..

FRODO'S BELINDA!!!

YEA SO I THINK SOMETHING HAPPENED BECAUSE EVERYONE I SHOW THIS TOO THINKS IT'S HIALRIOUS SO I THINK THAT THE UPDATE THING DIDN'T WORK SO I WILL GIVE IT ABOTHER GO. 

I MUST WARN YOU! READ THE ** THING FIRST AT THE BOTTOM OTHERWISE THE THING WILL BUG YOU UNTIL YOU GET TO THE END!

************************************************************************************

Belinda, 

All right so now I am going to tell you what happened at our "secret" council meeting, but first I must tell you what I saw. Ok so I was on my way to the meeting and I saw Aragorn and that Arwen chick standing on a log. Now understand that I wasn't eavesdropping, but I thought it was really pretty how the light shown on them both making it look like there was a giant spot light from a movie right behind them (what ever that is?)

But I only HAPPENED to hear what they were saying and so I will write it down here-

Arwen: *something in elfish* *smile* 

Aragorn: REALLY? WELL, *SOMETHING IN ELVISH* 

Arwen: you know that you aren't as bad assed as you make out to be. 

Aragorn: YES I KNOW, BUT YOU AND ONLY YOU KNOW MY DEEP DARK SECRET! 

Arwen: yes I do, all though I don't know what is so bad about having a teacup collection. 

Aragorn: *looking around wildly* SHHH! SOMEONE MIGHT BE LISTENING!

I then decided that I should get to the council. 

So I got there and magically (well we are in Rivendale aren't we?) Aragorn was already there. I nodded at him and he yelled "HOWYA DOIN FRODO? HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE RING!"

"Um I didn't" I replied. So then Elrond gave us the evil eyebrow *, and we all sat down. 

Elrond looked at us all for a moment before rushing into this terribly boring, terribly long, detailed, and I mean DETAILED! (He was telling us the color, and shape, and make of everyone of Erendeil's** gang!) My GOD! It was horrible, people were falling asleep everywhere! 

So I decided to take this time to look at people, and elves, and dwarves. There were a couple of dwarves with really long beards. I couldn't tell them apart though. I knew one had to be Gloin, and the other Gimli, and there were like two more so I have NO idea who was who. 

There were some elves too. They looked so prissy though. Kind of like the ones Sam and me saw when we were coming here. But one I think was Legolas? Maybe? I don't remember. He kind of looked like he should have been a pirate rather than an elf. All though he did make a good elf. I think. If I were like the men at that certain pub Gandalf used to scare me with, then I would definitely date him. Or if I were a chick. I wonder why Arwen isn't dating him? Eh.

Then there was Gandalf. He had done himself all out this time. He had on his pimp hat (kind of looks like mine now that I think about it) and his gray bathrobe. But let me tell you he made it look good. Sittin there all decked out and smoking a cigarette. Yea, he looked ok. 

Aragorn though I thought would have something to say every other word, but he didn't. Instead he just sat there twiddling his thumbs and looking intently at his nose, I guess making him cross-eyed. At one point I think he tried to touch his nose with his tongue because he stuck it out and scrunched up his face while still cross-eyed. It was kind of funny. I didn't laugh though because I thought Elrond would yell at me.

There was this other guy Borimir, who you could tell was full of really bad eggs. He kept looking at the ring, then looking at Elrond. And I thought he was going to interrupt once but he rethought it and settled back into his chair. He was boring to watch. I wonder if he has a brother?

Ok so anyway, after Elrond stopped talking Borimir stood up and was all like, "um, excuse me, I was wondering if I could kinda borrow the ring for a while to, you know help out my city and junk, you know no big deal?"

And then Gandalf got all mad and said "HELL NO! THIS AIN'T NO WEAPON! IF I CAN'T HAVE IT NEITHER CAN YOU!"

And Aragorn said "YEA! YOU CAN NOT WIELD THIS THANG! IT IS TOO EVIL! YOU DON'T WANT TO END UP LIKE ISILDUR DO YOU?" 

And Borimir went "WELL WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE MISS PRISS?"

And then Legolas looked up, all interested and said "did someone call me?"

And Aragorn replied " YOU COULD HELP ME OUT HERE YOU KNOW!"

And Legolas stood up and yelled "YOU KNOW, THIS GUY HERE, ARAGORN, YEA WELL HE'S LIKE, THE 37.5 TIMES GREAT- GRANDSON OF ISILDUR! AND YOU KNOW THAT MEANS HE 'S REALLY THE HEIR TO THE THROWN OF GONDOR WHICH ALSO MAKES HIM YOUR MASTER!'

Adding to my headache, Aragorn replied "OK THAT'S ENOUGH! NOW SIT YOUR ELVEN BUTT DOWN!"

And Legolas complied. Then Elrond spoke in a very calm, but very pissed voice, "we have to get this thing to Mt. Doom. We must destroy it. If we do not then very, VERY bad things will happen. Now who will take it?'

And no one said a damn thing. 

And Borimir said something else that I didn't catch, because right after that everyone started yelling and fighting. And Gandalf gave his staff to Legolas so he could hit Borimir with it. And then to stop the madness and my headache, I stood up and yelled all loud and proud. "I will take the damn thing if it will shut you all up!" so everyone turned around and stared at me for a moment like they forgot I was here (which happens often owing to the fact I am 3 foot 6 inches) and then Legolas handed Gandalf's staff back him, and Borimir rubbed his head. 

"Well then, um ok?" Gandalf said in response. "I guess I will go too"

And one by one, Gimli, Legolas, and Borimir swore their undying allegiance to me, and to tell you the truth it was really cool. I have an army! 

And then who should come out of the bushes, but Sam himself. And I thought that it was so nice not having him around "Mr. Frodo"-ing me every two seconds. 

So he comes out and swears his undying LOVE to me and promises he will come too. Then Merry and Pippin come out of their hiding places, and want to come too, and Pip, makes an ass of himself AGAIN. 

Then Elrond goes "so this is it?" then he gets teary eyed and squeaks out "I'm gonna miss you guys so much!" then "you know I am going to give you a nickname so everyone will remember you, I will call you the fellowship, the fellowship of the, uh, bling bling? No, howa bout the thing? No. Oh I know!" now he stands up strait and looks off into the distance all heroic like " you shall be the fellowship of the ring, now go away!"

So everyone scatters and now I am getting ready for the trip, I told Sam to leave a minute ago, because his helping has turned into bugging. Well I better go, here comes BILBO! Did I forget to mention that he was here? Oh I have missed him. He got really old looking though, like Judy Dench's mum er something. Well got to go.

Hugs and kisses

Frodo.

*********************

*Evil eyebrow as opposed to evil eye 

**Spelled wrong

***********************

Please have liked that, please review, I am starving for them, but PLEASE no flames, my ego is damaged enough by the lack of reviews.

Hugs and kisses

Mel


	6. Who cares about the days?

Yea I know someone told me it was good, and that little boost in my ego gave me the will to go on!

Ok here you are……

Wait review replies!

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Frodo's Girl-wowo you really love me, I mean you go through all my stories and review them, you are now officially me new EGO BOOSTER!!!! You fight crime and all things bad, such as people who read and do not review! On top of that, you get a brand new spiffy diffy, BAD THINGS SQUISHER! With this power you can squish the bad things!!! YAYAY! Three cheers for Frodo's girl!

****

Lesley- you likee? Really? People don't review this much…yea….BWOOT!

****

Cherice-woah, you really woke up to Gandalf? God I thought I was the only one….

By the way there is some Legolas bashing…THIS IS Frodo's OPINION! Not mine. I LOVE Orlando BLOOM AND LEGGY! INFACT Orlando IS MY MUSE!!!

Orli: damn strait! 

Hehe gotta love Orli!

**the hobbit song is that song that goes…

the road goes ever on and on

down from the door where it began

now far ahead the road is gone

and I must follow if I can 

pursuing it with eager feet 

until it joins some larger way

where many paths and errands meet

and whither then I can not say. 

You will need to know that for later…..

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

day…7?

Dear Belinda, 

We started our trek today, I was really nervous, they had to put me at the HEAD of the line…as if that would make up for me being short. HA! Basically all we did was walk. And walk. And walk.

I watched people mostly. I couldn't help it, I mean I AM a people watcher….

All Legolas did was skip around. He wouldn't let ANY one forget that he was the best elf. Everyone thought this was kinda funny, but after an hour of non-stop "HEY! Can you guys do THIS?" someone threw a rock at him and he fell over. Now he 's got this big bruise on his head. At least he stopped talking and showing off. Hehe, elf got what he deserved. The nancy prancy fool. 

Aragorn was, well he was Aragorn. About half way to where we stopped for lunch, he suggested we all sing a song….that was really awkward. He suggested we all sing, the hobbit traveling song. Except he changed the words. Here I will write it down. It is actually kinda funny.

__

The road goes ever on and on, 

And on and on and on and on. 

My feet are hurting , Cuz its long

So you can go, while I fall down

Pursuing it's not an easy feat 

And now there are blisters on my feet

So you go ahead while I lay down

And put on foot soothing balm.

Well as you can see Aragorn is terrible at rhyming or keeping to the beat, but it was pretty funny. Aragorn was yelling the entire thing…which made it really funny. 

God I feel like shit, my head hurts. I think I caught a cold. Probably some freaky elf sickness. I though those things don't get sick? I am probably going to break out in a rash in strange places. 

Anyway… I was talking to Gandalf about the ring, you know a little better explanation of it's history. I knew I would understand his version better than Elrond the One With Great Eyebrows.

"Hey Gandalf?" I asked

"yo?" he replied

"tell me about the ring.'' I continued

''well this ring'' he pulled me down next to him at this point ''it's like all powerful and junk. Ya know? It controls all the other rings of power and junk. Like mine for example? I'll bet it's controlling it right now. But anyway. We have to like, dump it into with wicked hot mountain called, very appropriately, Mt. Doom. I wonder who thought of that? Mt. Doom? Hmmm hey! Doom kinda sounds like dude, which kinda sounds like doobie.."

"right, well thanks, " I stood up and walked away. 

About ten minutes later we stopped for lunch. 

We ate. Woo woo big fun.

Borimir tried to teach the hobbits how to sword fight. THAT was interesting, lemme tell you. 

Ok so Borimir attacked the hobbits when their backs were turned, then the hobbits turned around and they had stuff sticking out of their mouths (twigs, leaves, I think Merry had a bug) but it scared the SHIT out of Borimir. So he fell, and then the hobbits tackled him. 

THEN Aragorn yelled "DOG PILE!" and jumped on all of them with arms open wide. About three minutes later he jumped off and yelled "WOO! THAT WAS FUN! WE MUST DO IT AGAIN!" and the hobbits and Borimir were all like "HELL NO!" 

I guess that wasn't really sword play was it? more of horse play. Hahah. 

*YAWN*

fork it I am tired…I will continue later…..uh, night I guess.

LOVE always and forever…

Frodo! The do of the fro 

Hahah I made that up, ok well Gandalf did, but I like it so I am saying I made it up!

P.S. I wonder how Assa is doing…..I'll bet she misses me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

sorry guys that sucked…I think …well some of it was funny..right?

I will do better next time I promise!

Just review, I think my ego still need love


	7. What's in a Day?

This is new…I just got inspiration from the last chapter I read of this story..strange…

Anyhoo!

Yay!

_________________________(*)_________(*)___________________________

day….?

BELINDA!

YAY! I got a letter from Assa! This giant owl dropped it down just a little while ago! Here, I will copy it here.

_FRODO!_

_DUDE! How are you my little buddy?! The Shire is missing you something awful! After that "disappearance" of Bilbo, and then YOU and SAM leaving, this little town has been in a uproar! _

_            I was talking to Primula, and she speculates that BILBO didn't actually leave, but he is STILL here, just sneaking around. I told her she needs to stay outta the mushroom patch. Hehehe_

_            You know, I really have been missing you here man. You are like, my best friend. And NO that is not because you are my number two customer (outdone by Gandlaf ONLY) it's because you are like, deep man. I really like that in a hobbit. [wink, wink] hehehe. _

_Anyway. As soon as you get this drop me a line aye? AYE! _

_Catcha on the flipside G_

_Huggles and Buggles_

_Assa_

_The (doobie) Queen Of The Shire._

 Lord I miss her. She was fine company too, when she wasn't on the topic of banana's that is, I swear! If you got her started on that subject, you would never hear the end of it. 

Anyway.

Right now we are in the mines of Moria..(which makes me think…HOW the HELL did an OWL get in here?)

I didn't want to come in here, but we had no goddamned choice. Stupid Sauromon and his stupid birds, and the Stupid Mountain, and the Stupid snow. 

But since it was all cold and stuff on the mountain, I thought we might as well go into the mines, seeing as Gimli kept ranting and raving about his relatives and their fires, and their meat. And honestly, it was sounding quite nice. 

But when we actually got there, it wasn't that nice. 

As soon as we got in there, Aragorn was like "HAY YOU GUYS! THIS PLACE IS LOOKING KIND OF CREEPY!" 

And indeed it was. There was all these skeletons and stuff around. It wasn't cool. In fact I think it might give me nightmares…there's a thought… my nightmares consisting of naked death kings, and Dwarf Skeletons. Fun. 

Anyway we tried to escape from this cave, but this really BITCHEN lake THING came out of the lake and wrapped itself around my leg. DAMMIT that was the creepiest feeling I have ever experienced in my LIFE!

So every one is freaking out, and running around in circles. Until the nancy prancy one, shoots an arrow and KILLS THE BASTARD! My GOD! I will NEVER look at Legolas the same way again. 

So we had to go through the mines right? Well after about three hours of walking, Gandalf stops abruptly, turns around, and says. "Yo. I have NO idea where the hell we are."

Everyone slapped their head in frustration.

"GANDALF YOU NEED TO SIT YOUR ASS DOWN AND HAVE A GOOD THINK!" Aragorn yelled. 

"Yes, G-string, I think I will do that. … I haven't had a good smoke in a wizile anyway."

"WHY DID YOU CALL ME G-STRING?" Aragorn yelled

"Shut up Asslesar." Gandalf retorted. 

"IT'S ELLESAR" Aragorn screamed.

"WHATEVER yo." Gandalf said sitting down and lighting up a smoke.

"I WILL JOIN YOU IN YOUR DOOBIE SMOKING EXPERIENCE." Aragorn yelled sitting down next to Gandalf and lighting one up. 

At this point all I could do was fall to the ground because my head hurt so much. I am telling you, Aragorn yelling so much is really starting to get to me. 

And then to make matters worse Sam came over to me and was all like "Mr. Frodo, if you want, you can lay on my stomach. It makes a good peeeelow." He patted his stomach as he smiled well, I hate to say it, but I think he smile seductively.

This guy is really starting to freak me out. 

The line has been crossed from uncomfortably close into dangerously feisty.

God. 

HOLY FUCKAROONIE! 

I just looked down and saw this really creepy GANGLY THING crawling around below!

OHMYSWEETJESUSLORD! 

This guy is FREAKY looking! 

I am gonna go ask Gandalf about it. 

Be right back

But incase I am not…

Who loves you?

I do.

LOVE

Frodo.

The one who is currently freaked out to the point of never sleeping again.


	8. Who Said Days Actually Matter?

You know you all love it…

~~~

Dear Belinda, 

Ok so you know that weird GANGLY thing I saw yesterday? Well it turns out that it was this, hobbit-gone-gangly-thing named Smèagol! 

This is kind of how the conversation went (seeing as it was yesterday I don't rightly remember EXACTLY what it was)

"Gandalf!?" I whispered crawling up to him.

He looked down at me with glazed eyes, "Yes my son?"

I blinked a few times, then realized that he was probably a little out of it because of the whole smoking thing. "There is something over there." I said pointing to Mr. Gangly Thing.

He looked down in the direction of my point and started giggling. "Don't worry about that thing, it's just Smèagol man. He like, has been following us for a while, so you know…" 

"Well who the Hell is Smèagol?" I asked. 

"He is like….this dude….who had…..the ring….for like…..a looooooong…..time. Bilbo almost killed him, but like, just took his ring instead." He replied starting to rock back and forth. 

"This ring?!" I said getting a little panicked, I held up the ring that was around my neck. 

"YES!" he yelled nearly knocking me over as he threw his arms in the air. "THAT IS THE ONE! GOD! THIS IS JUST FANTASTIC!"

Again I blinked. 

There was a silence. 

"I KNOW WHERE WE ARE!" Gandalf screamed throwing his lit smoke in the direction of where I thought Smèagol had been. Apparently he was still there because a pained shriek was heard moments later. 

"Where are we?" Merry asked looking excited

"WE ARE IN THE MINES OF MORIA!" he yelled standing up and punching his staff into the air.

Everyone kinda stared at him for a moment. 

"Right well," Borimir said looking away. 

"No but seriously you guys, I think the way out is that way." Gandalf said pointing to a hole in the wall. 

We kind of stared at him for a second until we realized he was serious. 

So that was yesterday. 

Now we are in this tomb thing…Balin I think was this dead guy's name. Probably a cousin or something of Gimli's because he started crying like a baby. 

Gandalf is reading from this giant book, I think it's a diary, here is something he just said. 

"_And because mortgage rates were so high, we felt us all moving in to this one room would be wise on our wallets_…Hmmm. Seems they might have had a bit of a problem…"

Right well anyway. 

Pippin seems to be hanging out by the well. Maybe I will go chill with him. 

"PIPPIN GET THE HELL AWAY FROM THE WELL!" Aragorn just yelled. 

Maybe I won't. 

Shit. I guess Aragorn yelling scared Pippin, because he jumped about half a mile in the air and kicked this skeletal dude into the well. 

Fuck what the hell was that?

Not another freakin problem. 

Sounds like drums. 

Got to go probably fight. 

Hope I don't get stabbed again….

Love ya

Frodo. 


	9. A sad Day

I have a song stuck in my head. It's not a very good song, and having it stuck in my head is really upsetting me. And when I get upset, I write. So now, I write you my next chapter. 

~~~

Belinda, 

Well I got stabbed again. It hurt. But you know I didn't really sustain any LASTING damage owing to the fact that I was wearing the Mithril stuff Bilbo gave me back in Rivendale. I sure am glad I put it on. I mean I was cold and I thought it might you know, warm me up. It didn't. But I didn't really feel like taking it off. 

So that happened. 

I am really upset, I mean really, and not like the "I just lost all my weed" upset. I am the "My best friend just fell off a bridge" upset. 

Here let me tell you what happened.

We were attacked by orcs- bla bla bla, we fought them off- bla bla bla. BUT THEN! More of them came and Gandalf was all like "I think we, like, need to leave now." The crazy thing was he didn't sound worried at all. And then he said something REALLY weird, "This Popsicle stand is melting and I am getting goo all over my robes."

We gaped at him for a moment and then Aragorn yelled, "LET US RUN NOW!"

So we ran. 

And then we got into this giant hall. I would have taken the time to admire it, except there was a throng of orcs chasing us. Then they cornered us. Let me tell you something, I was scared shitless. I mean shitless. Sam thought he was helping when he swung at the orcs, I mean I give him a little credit, but when he narrowly missed slashing off my-um, my highly sensitive area between the legs, I kinda freaked and smacked him over the head with Sting (Another lovely gift from Bilbo, I must remember to write him a thank you card or something). Before Sam could do anything though, a loud BOOM echoed throughout the hall. The orcs scattered and we stood shock still. Well most of us did. Sam was running around in circles screaming louder than Rosie! He sounded like a cat! OH, if I didn't think we were about to die, I would have fallen on the ground and started rolling around laughing. 

But then Gandalf said something, "We need to leave, this guy-is-not-someone-I-like"

So we ran. 

I turned around only once, and what I saw nearly made me crap my pants right there. All I saw was fire-and eyes-and HORNS! For a second I thought it was Assa, I mean it did kinda look like her if you wake her up too early on a Saturday morn. 

But then I realized it wasn't Saturday, and this was about midday, I think. (I couldn't really tell, I mean I was in a cave here people)

Then we crossed the doomed Bridge of Doom. Gandalf stopped on the bridge and held up his staff. "NO! STAY! BAD BAELROG!" he yelled waving said staff around. 

"GANDALF! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" I cried. I tried to run out there, but the stupid oaf Borimir stopped me. STUPID OAF!

"HEY MAN!" Gandalf continued, "DO HAPPEN TO HAVE A LIGHT?!" 

The baelrog huffed kinda, and started in on Gandalf. Then! Gandalf pointed his staff at him, and this stuff started spraying out of it. IT WAS WATER! Oh Gandalf was always so smart. But then the baelrog jumped up, (A/N think of the matrix move that every one copies you know the one where the person jumps and brings their knees up and ok I'll shut up) and dodged the water. 

Gandalf swore as the baelrog came back down and brought his fiery fist down upon him, causing the bridge to collapse and gandalf WITH the baelrog fell to a fiery death. 

I cried. 

Really hard. 

I am going to miss him so much, all the fun times we had together. Like when he taught me the Chicken Dance, and when we sat around the fire that one time trying to catch each other's hair ablaze. 

I have to go cry some more, Aragorn says we're going to Lothlorian, I hope the elves have some good news. 

Goodbye for now, my lovely Belinda. 

Sadly Yours

Frodo.

~~~


End file.
